12/4/13

I am sitting in a small room at my father’s oncologists office. He is hooked up to an iv chemo drip. His nurse, Yvonne is here. Another woman is in our room too, she is here for her first chemo treatment of cervical cancer. She had radiation earlier today also. She had a total hysterectomy a long time ago for cervical cancer. They had left a small piece of cervix that she didn’t know about. It’s now threatening her life. She has radiation every day and chemo once a week. I don’t know for how long. I am terrified, I had cervical cancer and a total hysterectomy about 10 years ago. How do I know if a small piece is left in me??? She is older than me. She is stunningly beautiful. She is terrified of needles. She is watching a movie on her ipad.

I am playing my dad’s favorite xm radio station for him, it relaxes him.

Earlier in the doctors office, waiting for Dr Schwartzburg my dad was talking about a friend of his that was on dyalisis. Last night I saw an anti smoking commercial aimed at diabetics, it was graphic and awful. I lost it and started crying. I can not fathom how I will get thru Teddy’s diabetic consequences should they, God PLEASE NO, occur.

I left the room to go outside and warm up, its freezing in here. I checked on airfares for Emily and Teddy to come visit on their Christmas break. Even after new years they are over $800 a piece. I checked on an airfare for me to go to LA over new years for just a few days to see them instead. There is a $400 fare. I can’t afford any of this any way, who am I kidding.

Where would I stay? Would I get to spend much time with them that way? They wouldn’t see Grandpa that way. They probably would only have a meal or two with me. And I would have to see my old home town, all the bad memories came flooding back in. How I need to somehow make a new life for myself, get a home, find a job. That panic feeling started again. Its all too overwhelming. An old friend told me I shouldn’t tell my kids I am not coming back to LA. Guilt trip began…but I can not afford to live there! This is not in my control! Its outrageously expensive. She doesn’t seem to understand what my life is like now. She inherited money. I have no hopes of getting fairly treated in the divorce. I haven’t held a job in over 15 years, what the hell am I supposed to do?

God stay with me, keep my heart open to your voice. Don’t let me let go of your hand again! I am slipping…

12/9/13

5 days since last entry. I didn’t post it, I don’t want to offend any one, especially my family. But that’s how I felt. I get these panics less and less frequently thank God.

I have found a church here, Christian Family Church and have been there 3 times. I’d go more often if they had more services. Pastor Steve is a very good speaker. It’s small and intimate. They have a live Christian Rock band. Not always on key but I love the young participation and music. It has been a life saver for me.

My dad didn’t have any serious sickness after this 3rd chemo treatment thank God. I spent the next 3 days on pins and needles, praying for him to be well. He got a PSA test result that showed a point increase, which sent him into a deep worry. I got on the internet (bad idea) and scared the hell out of myself reading accounts about advanced prostate cancer. I suggested he call his oncologist and ask for his take on the result. He did and Dr. Schwartzburger reassured him this was nothing to be alarmed about…pheww. Dad (and I) were reconfirmed in his choice of doctors, Dr. Schwartzburger answered his cell phone.

I have been reading the daily inspirational book that Susan gave me in Leatherwood, out loud to my dad. He really likes it. He said the other day that he has been to church and sees others who have a deep faith and he wished that he did, but he doesn’t. I wanted to ask him to come to church with me but I felt it was too soon, too pushy. Last night he told me that he’d like to go to church with me. I lit up inside.

I made him chicken soup on Saturday. It reminded me of how my kids loved my soup and would sneak it before it was ready. Then I stopped making it. I went on strike is what I said. I quit all my “shit” work. I rode more. I think I had just died inside. I couldn’t think straight any more. I thought everything I did was poorly done and incomplete. I thought I had failed at my marriage, at raising my children to be “happy and healthy” as I had blessed them at bedtime when they were little. I didn’t feel competent at anything any more. I blamed Bill for all these things too. That he had done this to me.

Last night I turned the left over soup into chicken pot pie. My dad asked if I cook like this in the trailer…no.

I am at a GMC dealer waiting for my truck to be checked out, oil change, rotate the tires…after that I am going to Marions to give Dreamy a shot of Adequan and maybe ride Wildflower. I’ve been thinking a lot about pulling the trailer out of her driveway. It is going to be a B—-. I barely got in and I have to angle out the other direction when leaving because she is on a dead end street. I need to go dump the tank and I’d like to get the tank monitors fixed. I keep putting it off, knowing that there are no “solids” in the tank. I quit flushing toilet paper quite a while ago and after I dumped when leaving SC I only peed in there. I had put in one of those septic packets too. So its probably ok for a while. I’m terrified of ending up in a ditch pulling out. Or taking out her gate posts or mailbox. I wish I knew a professional truck driver here to do it or help me.

Sunday morning I met Marion and rode Dreamy. Its a Dreamy day! We met up with 2 of her riding buddies and were out for almost 4 hours. I am out of shape already. And poor Dreamy has a sore left front again now . I can’t stand to see her in pain. I decided to have their shoes pulled instead of re-shod. No one here seems to shoe their horses. The feed store had no names for me, ugh. Its all sandy trails here. Even if I do get back on the road at the end of January, it would be time to shoe again then anyway. So I will let them be barefoot while I am here. I think that Dreamy’s crooked leg was better shod in the deep sand of S Carolina but its more packed sand here so the minor correction Wayne did in Arkansas may be more of a problem now. That plus its been about 6 weeks too. I wish I knew what to do for her. I wish there was something I could do to fix it. She is such an amazing creature. You would have to know her to understand what I am saying. Its not just that she was my first horse, or that she saved me from ending it all, all those years in CA. She is special. She came to me that way too. She was 5 years old and perfect already. She has never dumped me or anyone. She never spooked. Or taken off with me. Or spun in fear. She does everything I ask her to even if it hurts. I am sorry if in my ignorance or inexperience I ever hurt her but I am sure I did. Love is not a strong enough word to express how I feel about her.

My GMC advisor just told me my brakes are thin in back, 1 millimeter left. I did hear them squeeking the other day. He said I had a lot of miles on it (13,000 now in just 6 months since I bought it, brand new, last summer) and he asked if this was my 2nd brake job. No, its the first. He said I must be light on the brakes then, and off I went about the amazing Allison (sp?) transmission…

There is an article in the Wall Street Journal today about people my age taking a “gap year” much like Billy did after high school. It was interesting to read that other people find the need to do what I am doing now too. I am not alone. It reassured me somehow that I am not just wandering. There is a purpose to what I am doing. Besides healing myself, I am slowing figuring out what I want to do for the rest of my PRODUCTIVE life. The realization that a productive life will be fulfilling dulls some of my terror about it.

Which brings up another point…so many people have said that I am so brave or have so much courage. I have never ever felt that way since I left CA. I have felt so small. And if I wasn’t feeling terror or panic or depression or worry I have felt PEACE. And it is oh so wonderful when that happens. But never bravery. Its funny what other people see and I don’t.