September 11, 2013

photo-1September has a lot of special days in it for me.  Its my anniversary, or it was up until last year, Rachel was born on the 13th, Billy was born on the 22nd, I filed for divorce last year I think in September, its kind of a blur tho.  This month I watched as Billy flew off to Spain for a year and my “baby” Rachel left for college.  Our parting was ugly and I’m embarrassed at how badly I behaved. 9-11…when the twin towers were hit, I stood mesmerized by the tv, watching videos they showed over and over for days while I ironed everything that we owned.  I can’t explain it, I hate to iron. It seems so long ago.  My children were so young, something inside of me died, my hope for a decent world for them to live in. What year was that?

I am in my apartment with my dog and cat and a million boxes.  The movers come tomorrow and I am all ready for them at 6pm.  Usually I am throwing stuff in boxes as they are loading the truck.  I have moved so many times.  Many years ago my dad said I was ruining his address book, that I had lived in over 30 places.  Is that possible?  I’m almost 60…you do the math.  I guess I am a wanderer.

I am off on a big wander in just a few days.  The movers are taking most of my stuff and putting it in storage to await my call at some point in the future at some unknown place for it to be delivered to my eventual new home somewhere. I’m a little scared of all this unknown stuff.  I like plans but I don’t have one.

I ponied my 2 beautiful mares down to Flintridge Riding Club today and turned them out into the big pen in back.  They ran and ran and bucked and rolled and played hard even though they had just come down from “the house” which takes about 1-1/2 hours.  It makes me feel good to see them so happy and healthy.  When Dreamy moved out of FRC 2 years ago she was lame and fat and had horrible feet.  She is now barefoot and fit as a fiddle.  Her left front leg is still crooked but it barely affects her at all. They spent their last night in my old backyard corral that I established with my own sweat. I was not sorry to leave but it makes me sad now thinking about it. This past year I have gone over to “the house” twice a day to feed, muck and ride them.  I could hear the boys up in the house laughing and sometimes screaming.  I could hear Bill’s BMW beep beep when he opened or locked his door in the driveway way up on the other side of the property.  It made my blood run cold.  I cried a lot in that corral this past year. Good riddance.

Jauquine (spelling?) who manages the barn had two stalls in barn F for my mares.  Manuel cares for the residents of that barn and he is impeccable. He also gave me another stall to start staging my gear in so that when I do finally drive “the trailer”  into the back lot it will be a very simple quick load.  Randy gave me  a ride back to my truck and said a lot of people coming to the party will want to help me load the trailer.  I have made some really nice friends at the club.  God knows what they saw in me, I was such a dishrag, doormat all these years.  Randy and Heather organized a party to send me off on Saturday.  They said today only 2 people can’t make it.  Wow…  no one has thrown me a party since I was a teenager.  I am really touched.

Where is the f…ing trailer any way???  When I went to the dealer to take my old Brenderup off the lot last week to sell it privately (they had had it for something like 4 months!) I saw my crippled new home parked behind a bunch of other trailers.  OMG, they are doing it to me again.  We are one month past the promised delivery back to me and the parts just left the midwest Monday!!!!!!!  Is this the cowboy way or something??  Jack Challis suggested telling them I need a key to their lot because I will have to move into it on the 15th when I have to vacate my apartment…lol.  At 5pm the parts were still not in and Jason, who owns the trailer dealership, did not call me back.  I’m not going to get rattled tho, I will just leave when it is done and I am calmly loaded and mentally ready.  I learned the hard way on my ‘test trip’ what a rushed frazzled departure can produce.  I am too old now to just push thru it.  I make mistakes, big expensive ones.  I know where my first stop will be but I haven’t reserved a site yet since I don’t know when I’m actually going to leave here.  The ranger said it was 75 degrees there, that sounds like heaven.

I took another gun clinic with Tommy in Corona last weekend.  I used a 38 revolver and he shot a Glock (spelling?).  It was a two day clinic, fast paced, lots of drills.  I loved it.  I loved visualizing an attacker coming at me and me shooting him in the head the most.  Did you know that if you are shot by a handgun you only have a 20% chance of dying?  That really surprised me.  And scared me.  If I feel my life is in danger enough to pull out a gun and shoot someone, I want them to stop fast and fall over immediately.  The stories these instructors tell from their days in the police force are terrifying.  I had to wonder how they could lead a normal life… come home and have dinner with the family… after killing a monster that was beating his wife to death with a sledgehammer.  Iknow there are bad guys out there, but I don’t watch the news or read the paper because it haunts me for days, sometimes weeks.  Some of these stories are never going to go away in my mind…

I got a satellite SOS thing-ey that I can pair with my iphone and send messages via satellite when I don’t have cell service.  I thought about switching to Verizon for the last few weeks, but it was complicated and expensive since I have cheapo Straight Talk now with a jailbroken iphone that Verizon won’t touch, I had to get a new phone, ugh.  KT’s mom suggested I have something like this thing so I looked into what was available and decided this was a much better idea.  I can message my dad once a day that I am ok. He can relay reassurances to my mom and anyone else who is worried that I rode off a cliff.  I need some time to explore how to use it more, but it says I can send map location messages to those that want to follow me (not as in stalking me physically I hope tho… still creeped out by the cop stories). And most importantly I can send out an SOS for search and rescue who will get a gps location on me from the unit (not my phone, the gps on the phone sucks down the battery too fast for a long ride).

This is so strange, its getting dark which means its feed and muck time …butI don’t have to do it, cool.

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