I am still in Florida. I am back to riding every day. I was too depressed when I wasn’t.
Today Marion and I hauled Copper (her Arab gelding) and Dreamy to Riverbend Park to ride “something different”. It was a 15 minute haul at the most. Jupiter Farms is surrounded by miles of protected lands with trails. It is a trail rider’s paradise town. It boggles my mind how much land has been preserved so close to a city. It has all been naturalized (removal of non native trees and plants) and they all have maintained trails, mostly grass and sand. Jupiter Farms residential area is all horse zoned and most people have horses. There is a ride in February from Lake Ockachobee (sp?) to the ocean. Its a 3 day ride. Marion said its probably 5-6 hours in the saddle per day (oh God help my butt). You can do any of the legs or all 3 if you want to. I am thinking of doing 2 of them with her.
Anyway, today we had a great day. We had a little mud but not too much, considering that there was 8″ of rain a few days ago its amazing how well the land just soaks it up here. Dreamy was feeling quite good. The temps were mild and the humidity has broken for the most part.
A lot has happened since I went back to LA for New Years. I saw my children, friends, my non communicative lawyer, and oh yeah, I even had coffee with BILL…
A lot has changed inside of me. Its been a roller coaster ride, an extreme one but little by little I am feeling more normal, I can think straighter most of the time, I can relax my mind and body most of the time, the knot in my stomache is gone. I can smile again, my relaxed face isn’t so frown like any more. I can see God’s beauty thru out my days. Thank God, I was begining to think that it was never going to happen. I was ruined for good. It was a dumb idea.
A light switch went off, or I guess on, on New Years Day, all of a sudden my SHLEP, which has been a driving obsession (no pun intended), just faded into the background. I don’t know how it happened. I was all alone in Rose’s beautiful house feeling pretty pitiful and it just happened. I wrote down a list of things I was going to do this year. And they weren’t a list of states and campgrounds. I’m not saying I am all better, but SHLEP has done so much for me already and something just changed. That was the point of this trip. It wasn’t about adventure, it was about healing. And its working, slowly and in baby steps, but it is happening. I am sure of it. I am so pleased.
1. I will have to make changes to my plans for the SHLEP and finish it later, maybe in pieces when college classes are in session or after Rachel graduates.
2. I will have to leave my horses in a pasture somewhere since I can’t afford board in the La Canada area any more. This is going to hurt a lot. But I’ll find a place where they are happy for the break. Probably at Jack’s place in Idaho. And maybe friends will ask me to ride their horses. Any ways, its just not doable, I don’t see a way around this.
3. I have to find affordable housing in one of the most expensive areas in the country (LA). And I need 3 bedrooms for me, Tommy and Rachel. This equates to bad area most likely. Or too far from my kids’ friends. I wish they could be happy with a homebase in another state with me, I’ve found some dreamy places on this trip. But I think the friends thing is too great a draw at this age.
3. I HAVE TO FIND A JOB! I am sending out tons of resumes but its going to be hard finding something, and I will consider anything at this point. I sold printing for 20 years. The printing industry is now dead, or at least dramatically smaller and different than it was when I retired 15 years ago. The internet has killed the catalogue business. And I know no one wants to hire a 60 year old even tho they aren’t allowed to say so. I am looking into different industries that I could sell in, selling is my most marketable skill I think. This is a very humbling process…I left work at the top of my game and will be re-entering it at the bottom.
It is very easy for me to let my mind go wild with fear, there are so many things to worry about. Don’t forget my father, my rock, is fighting the fight of his life right now too and I want to be there for him as he has always been for me… …my mom’s struggling…I’m struggling still…my divorce is dead in the water it seems, and its maddening…I have so little control over anything it seems. I don’t have a home any more except for my horse trailer. My family has fallen apart. And that is now so sad to me. So many casualties… Somehow, by the grace of God, I am optimistic, that it will all work out even tho it doesn’t make any sense to me that it will. And I can not tell you how it will work out, I just know it will.
I EXPECT it to work out. This is my 2014 mantra…