Anosognosia, my worst nightmare

IMG_0206From Wikipedia: Anosognosia is a deficit of self-awareness, a condition in which a person with a disability is unaware of having it.

My son has this confusing condition, there’s no medical cure, it’s brain damage from psychosis. My only hope is for a miracle.

Mental illness has ravaged my family tree; schizophrenia, bi-polar, OCD and suicides have brought heartbreak and anguish for generations. When my brother had his schizophrenic break, I was in therapy myself and told my therapist that I’d never have children and take the chance of passing these corruptable genes on. He said that wasn’t a good reason to not have children, that the chances were slim of passing it on. God bless his soul, he was a wonderful therapist and helped me immensely, but he was dead wrong on this point.

My eldest son, the baby that my oncologist called a miracle baby, is now in the throughs of serious delusions, paranoia and, on top of it all, is completely unaware that he is ill so refuses help. He is an adult and the law is not on my side about forcing treatment unless he is a danger to himself or others. He is living with my ex-husband, in Glendale.

This is my perfect storm and my worst nightmare come true. I’ve cried buckets of tears for my son as I’ve sung worship songs while out mucking my horses’ pens, the mares looking at me with confusion in their eyes, or maybe it’s compassion. I break down sobbing during church services and in bible studies and while driving if a worship song hits me hard and sometimes in the grocery store. I’ve asked hundreds of people to pray for my son, I’ve screamed to the heavens, “Save my son!” There are days that I’m at peace, sometimes I can string together a whole week of peace and I thank the Lord for that. But this is grief, and it’s a rollercoaster, and it’s not what I thought my life would become.

I was never very good at prayer, but I know some that are and I listen intently to their words. I use the psalms as prayers. I pray for God’s will to be done, knowing that he has been good to me and my loved ones and someday I will see how my life right now fits into His plan and I will marvel at it all.

God bless you all,

Kathy, I am His humble servant.

8 thoughts on “Anosognosia, my worst nightmare

  1. How my heart breaks for you. My son to did not realize he was ill it is pure help going through this, living with it day in day out. Our only hope is Jesus. My son went to be with the Lord 14 years ago this month. I have peace with that took a long time, I wanted him healed. He is healed now. I was blessed by God to witness his salvation three years before God took him. I am praying for you Kathy. Peace be with you.

  2. Kathy, if it helps at all to know, people care about what you are goong through and experiencing.
    Please know that I and my praying/walking friend will be praying for you, your son, and your ex-husband. God can restore!

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